A Pocketful of Sunshine

Monday, May 26, 2008

ALL THAT'VE BEEN SAID & DONE.

"She shifted miserably under her flat and nervous mood,
now that the ball was over, the results were posted and
only the unspoken uncertainty of an existence outside
the comforting limits of grades, lectures, supervisions
and vacations, was left hanging over them,
like the blank white sky above her.
Too hot to move.
Too hot to speak.
Everything already said."

xoxo,
S
1:23 AM

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

1 , 4 CHAMBERS AND AN OVERLOAD OF EMOTIONS.

I was sleepless for the longest time yet. I managed to fall asleep with much difficulty at 0028hrs, only to wake up at 0300hrs to find myself tossing and turning in bed till 0600hrs. Nervous about Graduation at 0930hrs? Maybe. Worried about X? Definitely.

Everyday have been very much thought-provoking lately, especially yesterday. I was talking to M about nothing in particular (I think he should be quite used to my random-ness by now.). I always chided him for being too cynical and too realistic. He always chided me for being too soft-hearted and for being too naive. Does thinking that "doing unto others how you want others to do unto you" counts as being too naive? Well, I don't know. Life is subjective and some questions will never have an answer.

I almost always think that people in this world are generally made up of rainbows and butterflies, minus the ocassional toadspit. He always says, "Why do you always make others' problems as your problems?". Yes, I might be adding on to my own burdens, "But she's a friend." Sometimes, it is as simple as that.

However, I came to a conclusion that Life consists of many classes and categories, places where lines are drawn clearly. Fair? When you are good enough. Unfair? When you are good but not good enough. In Singapore where competition is usually fierce, unless you are the crème de la crème, if not, most of the time, no matter how well you know how to play 'the game', you don't always get what you want and hardwork don't usually pay off. And where is hope you might ask. Well, renewed faith comes with the ocassional rag to riches story. It is not about the money (though one can never complain about having too much, can they?), it is about a belief that someday, you could just make it, without having to play dirty, monopolise politics, and get old and exhausted in the process. Sometimes, you get so much shit in Life, you just wanna reap the benefits without having to go through all the shit. Shameless? Yes. But who doesn't want it? - To have something good fall into your lap without the ++ behind the nett price and the *** that is usually so small but people still notices it anyway. Thats because everyone knows that there is no free lunch in this world, thus the cynical and sardonic mindset. But a girl can dream, can't she? Conclusion: You STILL reap what you sow, and no pain no gain. Ironic, but true.

Lines. The imaginary lines that distinguish each stereotypes and tell you which group you fall into. Cruel is the way of the world. I think M's jaded/scornful skepticism, with his "friends are part and parcel of life", "only trust yourself" attitude might just be god's gift to me to tell me it's time to stop being the queen of wishful thinking. Sometimes, we bite off more than we can chew, and we snapped. We are all only human, with 1 heart and an overload of emotions.

I wonder if a box of Godiva will do the trick? For me, M will (:

xoxo,
S
4:36 PM

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

OF BUMPS AND BRUISES.

Life is a rat race. No doubt about that. I have enough setbacks to last me for a lifetime. And each time, I became stronger. However, the world remains the same.

Bumps and bruises heals, but, the wound remains. Sometimes, it acts up again, just to remind you of lessons learnt and heartache experienced. "Come On Sam, Chin Up!". Self-denial could jolly well come in the form of positivity - You look on the bright side of life, telling yourself that everything is alright. Maybe it is. Maybe it is not, everything could well be in shambles. And there you are, smiling, acting as if nothing have happened in the first place. Is everything going to right itself by being positive? Or maybe it will right itself, if you channel positivity into action.

Am I suppose to feel this old and tired at the age of 19? I doubt so. Living life can actually make one feel exhausted and aging, especially when one is living in a concrete jungle like Singapore. Where most of the time, education is a stepping stone to success and fulfilling your dreams. Where most of the time, people get stuck in some job they dislike just to make ends meet. Everyone wants go somewhere, be somebody. The road might be smooth-sailing for some, but a trek across rough terrain for another. At the end of the day, you might or might not get what you want. But still some people try, and some people give up. Which category should I belong to? I don't know. I came to a conclusion that maybe the only certainty would be death, at the end of the road. Famous people, Successful people, Good for nothings, they died. Eventually, I will and you will too. The only difference will be, did we lead our life the way we wanted it to be? And for me, I want the answer to that question to be yes, and so I move on... with bumps and brusies. Wounds that have healed so many atimes with the faithful use of plasters, maybe the occasional stitches for the more severe ones. I recovered, having a relaspe now and then. Yes, death will take me someday. For now, I will just have faith and carry on...

xoxo,
S
11:10 PM